Walk the Path That is Right for You
This year we are participating as a host for Queer Theology’s Synchroblog 2018. A synchroblog is when a group of people all write about the same topic on the same day and post it. You can read other submissions using this link.The prompt for this year’s Synchroblog is: “What does your queerness or transness call you to do and be in the world?”
Queer Theology was founded in 2013 by Brian G. Murphy and Fr. Shannon TL Kearns and serves as a place to find resources, inspiration, and community for LGBTQ Christians and straight cisgender supporters. To learn more about what they do take a look at their FAQ’s and check out the resources and other projects such as Sanctuary Collective and Daily Affirmations.
Below is an anonymous submission to Queer Theology’s Synchroblog 2018: Queer Calling.
I am young and experiencing puberty yet again. Apparently knowing who you don't have a finite number.
Swimming in horrific vile concocted chemicals for years. So long I almost died from it.
My body swelled. My mind took a dive. I could not see colors. I could not feel anything but grief or anguish or fear.
Rare was the passion of rage in which I swallowed and dug my hole deeper.
Then the pain came to a finite point. The fog lifted just enough for me to get a breath of fresh air.
I walked a path I was shown. my swelling decreased. I went from limping every day to walking more than a mile. I went from wandering like an old person to standing with confidence and meeting people in the eye.
The fog continued to clear and it got worse. I felt better happier than I had in years. Then the knowledge came. I had done things of the opposite gender for years. People taught me how to have beauty in my own Gender and what as expected. Every time I lay with someone I had heart-numbing fear. I could not speak. I could not say no. I could not say it hurt. The fear held me in chains.
Worse when I found out. The fear followed me constantly heckling me like some impish dog constantly reminding me that I should be beaten or shot or feared.
The truth was something that was like a raw nerve being exposed. I asked myself from my path before. Was it because I was lying to myself? Was there something fully attractive about being this other gender I dreamed of? Was I punishing myself yet again?
No, I feared because it was new. I feared because I grew up conservative and polite. I feared because again the cycle went over and over that, I wasn't normal.
Truth is no one is normal. Even a conservative straight person. Everyone has their path. Everyone has their lesson.
My words spoke, I made people feel safer. My words spoke, I made people feel less isolated. My tongue moved. And I was complimented on how I treated my "condition" not as a "condition" but as who I was. Who I was born to be in truth.
The reason for my fear is my body is no whom I am. I look in the mirror if it is the window to the soul it lies. I am an overweight still member of the other gender. I have finite attributes of this gender. And I look I see the opposite gender, very fine attributes of that gender. I'm getting ready one way. My soul reflection doing the opposite.
When I walk the steps of my gender I hold the confidence. It's not a shout it's simply standing straight. I am me when I walk the steps of my gender. Something I don't feel I should hide but I still lack who I am. I'm in the first stages.
What I want to become? I want to continue my inspiration. Every day I hear of the travesty. People were beaten. We are ridiculed, emotionally abused and spiritually abused. We don't fit, many are insane because of the lack of social connection, many are homeless because of the prejudice.
I want to help others to see that it is not just an insanity it is a true condition. And through science, as it advances it can transcend the issue in which society is so stringent on "fixing". Whatever you believe God, Universe, Goddess or whatever is just around you. Science was not put here for us to not use it.
A wasted resource a member of the community in pain no matter whom they are is a waste to society. The person is not a waste. It's the waste of how they are treated. We all live on this planet we all bleed the same blood.
It doesn't matter what happens in the bedroom. It does not matter whom you were born as. It is the path you walk. The actions you take that matter.
This path I walk is one of hell of suffering.
But in hell, the soul is forged to be the lesson we are meant to learn. The person we are meant to be.
There is always a way to walk through hell into the garden with the most beautiful flowers. Just keep walking. I got to the point in my hell in which I couldn't take the pain anymore. I focused the control and finally beat my fear enough to speak.
The person I trusted most was surprised. But they asked questions. I explained to the best of my ability and they did not shun me but accepted me. As I spoke further. More and more accepted who I was. Some were surprised. But some knew all along. Those were the flowers that have been hidden from me for so long.
Walk the path that is right for you.